Team America: 'We Outta Here!'

AMERICA today ordered an immediate recall of all US citizens in a startling about-turn which follows months of international pressure.

Global consumer groups have campaigned relentlessly for such a move citing a range of incidents where late-model Yanks 'simply refused to stop'.

Many welcomed today's announcement but some, including France-based Love2hateLeYanks.fr, said the recall 'Eez too little too late'.

The cheese-eating surrender monkeys have quite justifiably claimed that many regions have already suffered extensive and irreversible damage as a consequence of American haste.

Hitting back, the under-fire hegemonic superpower denied widespread flaws amongst it's citizens stressing that: 'an overwhelming majority of Americans are polite and peaceful and pose no threat to other peoples of the world.'

CEO of America, Barack Obama added that the multi-billion dollar recall was 'merely a precaution'.

Despite the world already being sick to the back teeth of all his hopey-changey crap, he said: 'I regret deeply that a small number of us have pissed off so many.

'I will work tirelessly and ceaselessly until the World likes me and my countrymen just the way they used to. For me, when America's image is damaged, it is as though I am as well. It's time for change.'

L2HA's Chief Yank Hater, Leon 'Napoleon' LeClerc, said: 'Eet eez all well and good getting rid of ze actual Americans but what about America-derived secondary cultural products such as Baywatch or Bon Jovi or Meatloaf. They will never stop. I don't think any amount of damage control is going rid the world of those. The next step is war.'

WEDNESDAY, 24 FEBRUARY 2010

Actually True
GREEK Finance Minister George Papaconstantinou sums up his nations's looming bankruptcy:

"Some people think we're in trouble. We are."

MONDAY, 22 FEBRUARY 2010
Greece 'Going Home in F***ing Ambulance'

THE Greek finance crisis took a bizarre twist today when the near-bankrupt Mediterranean beach resort attempted to borrow all the money in the world using Cheryl Cole as collateral.

Central bankers from Washington to Beijing were left scratching their heads as they attempted to figure out whether or not the sexy Geordie songstress really is worth all the money in the world and whether or not to back the deal.

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, known for his tendency to take stupid gambles with risky assets, has unsurprisingly come out in favour. He said: 'Thosa pesky Greeks have beena betting their shirts ona hot chicks since the days of Troy.

'If they do default whadda do I care. I am already rich and I wouldn'ta minda bit of Cheryl. Ciao.'

In a late twist, Cole's agents, Sexy Singer Reps Ltd, released a statement saying they had not been approached by the Greek government nor asked if Cole was willing to be owned by the whole world should Greece default.

However, Greek Finance Minister Theo Greekalopolis hit back saying: 'It's not really up to Cheryl Cole. What does she know about this stuff? It's all really complicated and to be honest, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

'At the end of the day, the bailiffs could come round and take our whole country away so asking one member of Girls Aloud to sacrifice her life for our national survival is no big deal and we'd be very grateful. Maybe we could give her a free timeshare or we could twin Athens with Newcastle or something.'

Some observers have, however, already voiced concerns that even if Cole does agree to the deal, Newcastle may go apeshit.

North-East Analyst Macca Broon said: 'Why aye man! Cheryl Cole disnae belong tae Greece like. She belongs tae us - default or nae fookin default. If they want her they can come and try but I'll tell ye this: they'll be goin hame in a fooking ambulance.'
A final decision is expected tomorrow morning.

SUNDAY,  21 FEBRUARY 2010

Golfer apologises. Who really cares?

TIGER Woods has apologised for the Holocaust in his first public appearance since lurid revelations that he savagely murdered around five million Jews.

Dozens of networks covered the carefully-staged press conference in which the pro-golfer hugged his mum and said he was very sorry for all the pain he had caused.
Miraculously, planet Earth continued to spin - much has it had done throughout the golfers' recent travails.

Woods' clean-cut image was destroyed following multiple allegations of genocide and a weird domestic incident that has never been properly explained.

Woods at first batted allegations that he almost wiped out the Jews but he was forced into hiding when it emerged that he may also have slaughtered up to 1.5 million Armenians and several hundred thousand Native Americans.

Some sponsors have severed ties with their former golden boy but others have been waiting in the wings while Woods has spent time alone 'having a think'.

Cash-cow Woods reassured them that he wouldn't be in hiding forever – just until it all blew over: 'I will return to golf one day. I just don't know when that will be.'

SATURDAY, 19 FEBRUARY 2010
Brown  'Gave Harman a Wedgie'

GORDON Brown faced a fresh storm of bullying accusations today as a leaked report surfaced alledging that he pushed Alistair Darling's head down the toilet and gave Harriet Harman a wedgie.

Both incidents, it is claimed, took place in the Prime Minister's private quarters after last week's cabinet meeting.

Downing Street aides say the claims have been 'blown out of proportion.'

The confidential document, an incident report by Number 10's Head of Reports, quotes several witnesses, all believed to be cabinet ministers, who say Brown adjourned Monday's meeting around midday but asked the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, to wait behind.

One witness, understood to be Deputy PM Harriet Harman, returned to the cabinet room because she 'forgot her packed lunch.'

Her statement reads: I was on my way out again but could hear a commotion coming from the PM's quarters. I followed the sound and found the PM holding Alistair's head down the toilet pan screaming something like “Give me £177billion.”

'Alistair was clearly highly distressed. He was sobbing and saying he would find the money from his 'savings'.

'Obviously my presence startled the PM and I began remonstrated with him but as I did so he reached down the back of my skirt, grabbed my pants and hoiked them up round my shoulders. The last thing he said to me was: “Tell anyone aboot this and yer deed”.

'The Treasury today issued a statement saying the Chancellor was '100%' behind the PM but it did not confirm or deny the allegations.

Meanwhile, Harriet Harman's office has not yet commented, stoking rumours of a resignation.

Opposition Leader and professional tit David Cameron said: 'This is insane. The entire Labour leadership has gone completely nuts. How do you think our boys out in Afghanistan must feel? There they are, brave men and women risking their lives while back home their leaders are assaulting and robbing each other. It's like the schoolyard. Well, not my schoolyard. Anyway, enough is enough. Vote for me.'

FRIDAY, 18 FEBRUARY 2010

Entire World Realises Gold is Rubbish

WORLD gold prices imploded overnight as humanity realised that the shiny yellow metal is almost completely useless.

As London opened, the word from New York was that everyone on the planet had simultaneously woken up to the fact that there is literally no practical use for gold.

Prices, which have for a long time hovered around the $1,150 oz mark, were fixed in London this morning (10:00GMT) at a much more realistic $5 oz – about the same price as the stuff they make £1 coins from.

One dickhead trader, who did not want to be named, told MFTG: 'I actually shat a kitten when I turned up for work this morning. The smell on the floor was palpable. Everyone is bricking it.

'It's been a long time coming and we could only pull the wool over the human race's eyes for so long but still, I'm not looking forward to phoning clients. I reckon some of  mine have lost hundreds of millions.'

Private losses, though painful, will pale in comparison to those of nation-states, many of whom store their wealth in bullion.

There are already whispers on Wall Street and in Washington DC that the US government may be forced into selling Alaska back to Russia whilst long-running rumours that Switzerland will soon have to give up clothes, look certain to become reality.

Gold 'expert' Dr David S Cummings from the Sussex University of Gold, said: 'I've been researching gold's properties for 30 years and have so far found nothing to report.

'It's good at conducting electricity but then again, most metals are. It's also really soft so not much use for making stuff but it is pretty. That's why we put it on spacesuits. It's certainly not edible.'

Leading bankers and politicians have so far said little about the unfolding crisis in a likely effort to prevent a poor situation becoming dire.

Bank of Money (BoM) Commodites Analyst John Farthing-Askew said: 'I imagine Whitehall and The City are in absoloute overdrive, pouring over their balance sheets and trying to figure out if there's anything else on there which is actually totally worthless.

'I mean bloody hell. If gold isn't worth anything then what have we been doing all this time? What the hell, is money anyway? I sure as hell don't know.'

Riot fears as Islam lifts Pork ban

BILLIONS of the world's religious followers choked on their cornflakes this morning following bombshell revelations that Islam may lift a centuries-old ban on pork.

The radical reform was announced by Islam's voice on Earth Cat Stevens and sparked fears of rioting in the usually-conservative Muslim world. Pork prices tripled overnight.

Speaking through Cat Stevens, Islam said; 'I'm not really sure why I banned pork in the first place. Everyone keeps going on about how great bacon butties and Greggs sausage rolls are so I thought why not? It's not like pigs are really that dirty. they just smell that way because they live in their own poop but chickens do too and they're halal.'

Despite Islam's appeals for calm, fears mounted are growing that the reform, could stoke existing tensions, and spark unrest all over the world.

Dr Hugo Shires of the Defence Analysis Institute said: 'It's impossible to say what the implications of a curveball like this are but I think there are two main regions of concern. Western Europe, especially Germany with it's immigrant Muslim population, could experience a backlash what with the pressures it's love of sausages already puts on pork as a commodity. They might feel like: 'Nein! They' are now shtealing our shausages as vell as our jobs.'
'Secondly, I think China could see problems. Millions of Chinese peasants have largely missed out on most aspects of their country's economic growth except for cheap sausage rolls and they may now find themselves priced out of that market too. It's too early to say. The next few days wil be interesting.'

Hertford-shire sausage seller Dave Nye cautiously welcomed the addition of 1.2billion potential customers but warned: 'We're in for an unpredictable ride if this goes ahead. My bangers are already pretty pricey and if input prices go up too much, it may become more cost-effective for me to start selling Linda McCartney bangers.'