Monday, 29 March 2010

British Airways Abandons Aviation.

BRITISH Airways' controversial and conspicuously non-British Chairman, Willie Walsh, today stunned the business world by announcing that the company was 'getting out of the flying game'.
It is understood that Walsh has long been keen for BA to diversify away from it's core airline business and sees the current industrial dispute as the perfect opportunity to force change.
Speaking exclusively to The Mutter, Walsh said: 'Everyone can see that aviation is dead on it's arse even if our trolley dollies can't. Jaysus, they don't call us the flying pension provider for nothing.
'I want to lead the industry in an exciting new direction. What I've got in mind is the gold business. Did you know gold is going for $1100 an ounce. That's feckin mental. We're gonna run tons of adverts on television and stuff to encourage people to send in their old jewellery then we'll melt it down and make little ornaments. You don't need cabin crew for that do ya? It'll be deadly.'
By withdrawing absoloutely all flights forever, it is thought that BA will accrue savings of several billion pounds across the expanse of infinity.
In addition, The Mutter understands that a mooted sale of BA's entire fleet to a paintball operator in Milton Keynes could net shareholders a significant one-off dividend.
Analysts now say BA's restructuring may prompt a sector-wide 'flight from flight' but cabin crew Union officials refused to concede defeat despite holding political views that actually predate the Wright Brothers. 
Union leader, Tony 'Sorry Love, not Tonight' Woodley unsurprisingly attacked the move.
'This just goes to show that that shamrock-eating leprechaun Willie Walsh really has lost the plot. He's bluffin' mate. We've got 'im by the short 'n curlies. Doesn't he know that we run the Second-hand Gold Recycling Workers Union as well? We'll bring the engagement ring industry to it's knees too if we have to. Mark my words. Noone will ever get married ever again if he goes through with this. It'll be the end of civilisation as we know it. We'll never stop, or start, depending on how you look at it...whatever.'

Thursday, 11 March 2010

BoE: 'Photocopier Jammed. QE Over.'

BRITAIN'S central bank, The Bank of England, today announced that its policy of printing money to ease the financial crisis, is over.
Quantitative Easing (QE), a favoured policy of financial luminaries like Hitler and Robert Mugabe, involved creating billions and billions of pounds literally out of thin air.
The monetary authority's cunning plan ground to an unexpected halt today however, when it's photocopiers packed in.
Square Mile technical analyst, Alistair McTechnical, was not surprised. 'Something had to give. You can't just print off billions of pounds, cross your fingers and hope for the best. With the best will in the world, you'll never find a photocopier that can take that kind of workload. It was inevitable that it would burn out. I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner.'
The challenge now facing BoE mandarins is how to pass off the whole exercise as a success to a general public which, frankly, isn't stupid.
Chairman Mervyn McMervyn told The Mutter: 'Listen. It's like my Gran used to say; "You've got to try everything once," and to be honest, we'd tried everything else.
'It is a bit of the pity that the extra £200billion we created went more or less straight into the accounts of the people who got us into this whole mess but at least we can hold our heads up high and say: "We tried".