Thursday, 18 February 2010

Riot fears as Islam lifts Pork ban

BILLIONS of the world's religious followers choked on their cornflakes this morning following bombshell revelations that Islam may lift a centuries-old ban on pork.
The radical reform was announced by Islam's voice on Earth Cat Stevens and sparked fears of rioting in the usually-conservative Muslim world. Pork prices tripled overnight.
Speaking through Cat Stevens, Islam said; 'I'm not really sure why I banned pork in the first place. Everyone keeps going on about how great bacon butties and Greggs sausage rolls are so I thought why not? It's not like pigs are really that dirty. they just smell that way because they live in their own poop but chickens do too and they're halal.'
Despite Islam's appeals for calm, fears mounted are growing that the reform, could stoke existing tensions, and spark unrest all over the world.
Dr Hugo Shires of the Defence Analysis Institute said: 'It's impossible to say what the implications of a curveball like this are but I think there are two main regions of concern. Western Europe, especially Germany with it's immigrant Muslim population, could experience a backlash what with the pressures it's love of sausages already puts on pork as a commodity. They might feel like: 'Nein! They' are now shtealing our shausages as vell as our jobs.'
'Secondly, I think China could see problems. Millions of Chinese peasants have largely missed out on most aspects of their country's economic growth except for cheap sausage rolls and they may now find themselves priced out of that market too. It's too early to say. The next few days wil be interesting.'
Hertford-shire sausage seller Dave Nye cautiously welcomed the addition of 1.2billion potential customers but warned: 'We're in for an unpredictable ride if this goes ahead. My bangers are already pretty pricey and if input prices go up too much, it may become more cost-effective for me to start selling Linda McCartney bangers.'

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