Osborne Cuts Five Letters From Alphabet

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has stunned the English-speaking world by announcing plans to cut the alphabet.

Speaking on Radio 4's Today programme yesterday, Osborne said that smarty-pant swots should not be allowed to protect the alphabet from swingeing cuts.
Outlining the new treasury proposals he said: "Lsn. W*'r *nly c*tt*ng 25% *nd * *ss*r* u *t'll *ll b v*wls.
"M*st ppl b*l*w th* *g* *f 30 hv *lr**dy g*v*n *p *n vwls s* ny1 wh* cmplns is b*s*c*lly * b*r*ng b*st*rd.
"L**k! I'v strtd *lr**dy and *f *t hlps, y** cn *lw*ys t*ss *n *n *st*risk t* **d *nd*rst*nd*ng."
The rest of the interview was basically uninteligible but from a statement released later by the Treasury, your correspondent was able to cobble together the following: "These are difficult times and we've all got to take our share of the pain.
"Besides, the Welsh haven't had vowels for years and think of all the fun we'll have thinking up new swear words.
"I've got one already. 'Gbbr-fggt'. It's a name for someone who walks down the middle of the pavement really slowly whilst texting on their phone.

"Anyhoo, if I have to toss-up between the NHS block vote and the Hay Literary Festival block vote I know which one I'd choose.
"T**dle Pip!"

PM Spotted Busking in Bangalore

DAVID Cameron's trade trip to India was in crisis this morning following lurid reports of a drink-fuelled ministerial busking session down a back alley in Bangalore.

The Prime Minister is leading the biggest British trade delegation to India since we cut them loose back in 1947.

But the delegation is understood to have received short shrift from its hosts who are understood to be a 'a tad peeved' over the Brit's night-time behaviour.

At a hurriedly-convened press conference this morning, British officials denied reports of excessive behaviour but a member of the delegation, who did not want to be named, said: "I definitely saw DC singing on the sidewalk outside the hotel last night.

"He was doing George Formby numbers while Vince Cable pestered passers-by with a tambourine and an up-turned flatcap.

"Their rendition of "Mother, 'What'll I do Now?' was particularly tuneless."

A foreign office spokesman refuted the allegations though, saying: "I refute these allegations," but Indian trade minister Amal McIndian was apoplectic.

"I cannot believe the disrespect. First of all the British delegation were, I believe, drunk when they arrived.

"Then they kept asking if we had any 'vindaloos', whatever they are, before drinking more and hurling derogatory insults at members of the Indian cabinet.

"Then they threw up everywhere and to top it all, they completely murdered George Formby. Unbelievable.

"It's a disgrace for people representing their country to behave like this. Is this how British people behave back home?"
In a further embarassing twist it emerged that trade talks during the day had actually collapsed because Cameron and Cable just kept asking their Indian counterparts about the Goan free love scene and whether or not they knew 60's Sitar icon Ravi Shankar.

As The Mutter went to press, Downing Street declined to comment.

Prince 'thumbing it' to St Andrews

GOLF fanatic Prince Andrew has ditched the royal chopper and is understood to be hitch-hiking to The Open in Scotland.

'Airmiles Andy' has been attacked in the past for taking helicopters on golf jollies and putting the bill on expenses.
Now, however, he is said to be under strict orders from the Queen to cut costs and 'get native'.

The whole clan is under intense pressure to trim it's budget since Chancellor George Osborne froze their expenses in June.
The Queen is also thought to be anxious that family members do not appear to be too extravagant in a time of recession.

Mutter Monkey understands His Royal Highness is taking the slightly longer but much faster M6 route up the West Coast in the hope of making it to St Andrews for the final stages of the world famous week-long golf competition.

Lothian-based trucker Jim 'Dingo' McKerracher took the Prince from Watford Gap services on the M1 to Lymm Services in Cheshire and later spoke to The Mutter:

"Ach fair play tae him like. He wis sound enough"We hud a right old chinwag aboot the Falklands cuz ah wis there wi' the Paras like and a'body kens he wis over there as weel, flyin' choppers.

"I dropped him at Lymm coz it's a good spot for thumbin' and he said he wis gonnae boot it up tae Larkhall then cut o'er the A71 tae the back o' Edinburgh like.

"Ah telt him tae try and get tae Livingston, or theraboots, 'n then do a Shanks's Pony through Broxburn tae Newbridge Services. Ye'll always get a truck tae the Kingdom fae there.

"Ahm aff that way mesel, but I've tae stop for ma nine hours ken?

"I'd pick him up again tho'. Nae probs. He's hardy - humpin' his clubs a the way tae Fife like that."

British Royals are never far from controversy when it comes to helicopters.
They spend upwards of £2 million a year on private choppers and, in 2008, second in line to the throne Prince William took an RAF Chinook to his mate's stag bash on the Isle of Wight.

*Have you seen Airmiles Andy on the road? Given him a lift perhaps? Contact Mutter Monkey at muttermonkey@email.com

Mandy: "Brown Ate Actual Kitten"

WEIRD Labour Guru Peter "Mandy" Mandelson, has sensationally revealed that former Prime Minister Gordon Brown ate an actual kitten whilst high on rage drug cannabis.

The lurid claim is published in Mandelson's new memoir entitled The Third Man which is serialised this week in The Times.

In it, Mandelson claims that the kitten incident took place behind the scenes at the 2009 Downing Street Christmas party when Brown's ratings were at an all-time low.
Everyone had been having a lovely time, croons Mandelson in an extract from his book.

Hattie had organised a clown, the Miliband's were playing charades in the corner and Tony had even dropped in with Cherie and was getting tipsy on the punch with Jack Straw.
It was as though the past couple of years had never happened and everyone was really taking the opportunity to relax and let their hair down.
I nipped through the back to add the finishing touches to my famous prawn Vol-au-vents - I hadn't told anyone as I had wanted them to be a surprise - whilst Misty, the new Number 10 kitten, wrapped herself around my feet no doubt drawn by the smell of wild fresh atlantic prawn and homemade thousand island.
Right at that moment I sensed that I was being looked at from behind (yes it still happens - although not usually In No 10), and spun round to see Gordon, brooding and with a face like thunder.
A joint hung lazily from the corner of his mouth and he whispered to me slowly and quietly: "How come I'm the only one in fancy dress Pete?"
I cursed myself. I really had meant to tell him we'd cancelled the Pimps 'n Ho's theme but it must have slipped my mind. Harriet had protested, justifiably so, that the headlines wouldn't look good if it got out that members of the cabinet had thrown a pimps and prostitutes theme party.
I muttered something about Gordon being difficult to get hold of but he just stood there in his hot pants and make-up and stared right through me not seeing the funny side.
"You're trying to make me look like an idiot Pete. I know you are. You've being doing it for years. It's just luck that ah came through the back door."
He couldn't have further from the truth. Sure we'd had our differences but we were all batting for the same team and for better or worse I intended to back him all the way through the coming election.
Gordon was having none of it though and as he glared at me I fought back tears and hoped the distinctive herbal smoke wouldn't cling to my clothes.
I scooped up little Misty, perhaps for comfort or maybe support,  and looked right at him.
"It's not my fault you know. You never check your texts and you're not on Facebook.
"I think that stuff's making you forgetful Gordon. You never seem to get your messages. Perhaps you should..."
But before I could finish the sentence the Prime Minister grabbed Misty from my adoring clutch, took one look at me and another at the kitten then cooly bit her head off.
"It's okay Pete," he said spitting out the severed skull, "I get this message," before slipping out the back door in his fluorescent lycra tights.
My hands were shaking and there were spatters of blood on my shirt but I had to keep this under wraps. If the rest of the cabinet found out about this, someone would definitely leak and it would be Goodnight Vienna for all of us.
Besides, I didn't want to spoil the party before anyone had even tasted my Vol-au-vents.
I straightened my shirt,  picked up the tray, and floated through to the lounge hoping my puffy eyes wouldn't draw as many questions as my puff pastry.
"Well well peeps, I've got good news and bad news."  My cabinet colleagues were already quite drunk.
"The bad news is Gordon isn't coming." An audible chuckle went round the room. "But the good news is my Vol-au-vents are finally ready. Voila."

YSL Launches Malaria-inspired Collection

LEGENDARY French fashion house Yves Saint Laurent has launched its new Autumn collection inspired by Geordie dancer Cheryl Cole's brush with deadly Malaria.

Cole, twenty-something, collapsed in a TV studio yesterday following a trip to somewhere dodgy and is now recuperating having given countless news outlets another spurious excuse to publish pictures of her in her underwear.

Eager to cash in, YSL has rushed out a malaria-inspired offering which includes lingerie made from mosquito nets and a show-stopping dress entirely cobbled together  from empty anti-malarial packets.

The controversial catwalk launch in Paris last night featured a lot of men who were so girly they actually looked like women accompanied by decorative African children genuinely inflicted with Malaria.

Leading fashion Commentator Francois de la Zozo heaped praise on the new design.

He gushed: "Zis collection just works on so many levels. It reminds us zat ours isn't just an empty and vacuous world full of dangerously thin coke 'eds but zat it actually reflects ze real world. I mean, just look at those kids zey are really really thin and zey probably don't even want to be. It's beacuse they're real and zat is what fashion eez all about.".

Wearing trackie bottoms and a pair of Nike Air Max's, Lead Designer Jean-Paul Derrier was modest about the praise heaped in his collection.

He said: "I am modest about ze praise heaped on my collction. My team and I, but mainly I, worked all day to adapt our Autumn collection to ze Cheryl Cole Malaria story and eet gives us, but mainly me, great pleasure to highlight ze issue of Newcastle's malaria problem.

"We want to do what we can to help so for every £10,000 dress sold we will buy a malaria net for Newcastle.

"Au revoir."

Number 10: "Pope Won't Escape Axe"

DOWNING Street has tried to calm controversy over the Papal visit to Britain by promising that the expected £12million bill won't escape swingeing budgetary cuts.

It is thought that Pope Benedict, "Panzer Pope" to his mates, will now arrive by low-cost airline and has even been booked into a nice little B&B at a secret location, thought to be Scotland, to cut costs.

Once in the UK, the Pontiff will tour his various engagements by Megabus and will be catered for in Tesco cafes en-route except for the State Banquet which will come from Lidl.

Fellow Catholic and Prime Ministerial Special Representative for the Papal Visit (honestly), Chris Patten said: "Look, this Government can't be seen to be spending £12 million on a sight-seeing trip for the Pope when we're cancelling school dinners for poor kids and nabbing wheelchairs off of handicaps. What kind of monsters would that make us?
"We simply have to introduce some efficiency to the Pope's visit so that nobody can accuse us of being too flash.
"To that end, we've got His Holiness flying in by Ryanair - no checked baggage, mind you - and we're going to put him up at my Nan's seeing as she's got a very reasonable little B&B by the seaside.

"The bus is costing us SFA and because we're booking so far in advance the whole thing will come to about 47 quid - even less if it wasn't for those arsehole credit card charges at Ryanair."
Former Northern Ireland First Minister and general religious antagonist Rev Ian Paisley inexplicibly waded into the debate by denouncing the revised £47 bill as "over the top".
Vowing to carry on his fight against the papal visit and indeed, anyone else who comes within angry shouting distance, he said:
"I THINK £47 FOR A PAPAL VISIT IS OVER THE TOP, SO I DO.
"I WILL CARRY ON FIGHTING THIS ABOMINATION EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO, SO I WILL.
"NO SURRENDER, NO WE WON'T."

Apple Launches Invisible iPhone

MASTER of the Universe, Steve Jobs, last night launched a new invisible version of his firm's best-selling iPhone.

The new offering from Apple bristles with features that only really cool, brainy people are able to use and which has been made so slimline that you can't actually see it.

Thousands of really cool, brainy people formed a long queue outside Apple's flagship store on London's Regent Street last night hoping to be first to get their hands on the new gadget.

One lifelong Apple devotee has changed his actual name by deed poll to Apple McApple and stood in line for seven weeks in order to be at the front of the queue.

He said: "I just can't wait to see my invisible iPhone. I met my first one on January 9, 2007 and we've been together ever since. We have our ups and downs and she can be pretty high maintenance but she keeps me on my toes and I wouldn't want it any other way.

"It's like any relationship, you get out what you put in."

Although few iPhone owners change their own names in tribute to their inanimate objects, it is not uncommon for some to start believing that their Apple products are actual people. One absoloutely mental devotee, Raji Shotarow, flew in from Singapore for last night's launch and intends to marry his invisible iPhone in a civil ceremony later today.

Apple's late-night extravaganza was no disappointment and even included surprise new revelations for enamoured fans.

At midnight, Jobs appeared to a captive audience holding apparently nothing aloft. He showed off various snazzy new functions before announcing a wholly compatible clothing line - again, visible only to really cool, brainy people.
The largely positive atmosphere was interrupted only once by a young child who heckled the crowds with cries of: "Are you lot nuts? There's no such thing as an invisible phone. You're mad I tell you, mad!"

The child, believed to have been drunk, was bustled away by security.

Public Sector to 'Lose' 600,000 Jobs

THE newly-established Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) says the British public sector is likely to lose around 600,000 jobs by 2014.

It is understood that Government ministers will probably leave most of the jobs on trains and in the backs of taxis.

Details of the losses will not be made public until the spending review in October but officials are believed to be mulling over a wide range of places where jobs could be accidentally 'lost'.

Other locations under consideration include:

• 
  
  The tube
• 
  
  Wetherspoon's pubs on Saturday nights
• 
  
  Down the back of the couch
• 
  
  On the beach in Spain
• 
  
  Through the Looking Glass
• 
  
  Mordor

The OBR hurriedly released its figures after a leaked document seen by the Guardian newspaper showed the figure to be even higher.

Government sources insist though that the leaked document had been written before the election and that they "were only kidding".

Prime Minister David Cameron blamed it all on Gordon Brown.

He said: “It's all Gordon Brown's fault.

"Like every Labour Government, they left us with unemployment rising but we will, by the end of this Parliament, have unemployment falling. Mark my words.”

We will Dave.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/jun/29/budget-job-losses-unemployment-austerity

Country Fox Joins Urban Fox Outcry

A HIGH profile country fox has disowned his urban cousins and joined the national furore following last night's BBC Panorama broadcast which featured two toddlers who had been mauled in their own home.

Though practically unheard of, the attack has prompted widespread calls for an outright ban on urban foxes.

Bolstering demands for a random slaughter of his urban relatives, renowned country fox Fantastic Mr Fox, told The Mutter:

"Now, about these so-called 'urban' foxes,

"There really is no such thing,

"They're outlaws and rogues of the very worst sort,

"And ought to be reigned right in.

"They bear neither the humour, nor cunning or wit,

"To take part in the occasional hunt,

"Where chaps like me evade horse and hound,

"Harried on by some well-to-do c**t."

"That's just the merry old rule of the country,

"And the town fox won't play like he ought to

"And quite frankly that just isn't British, my Dear,

"And is why he deserves to be slaughtered."

Urban fox civil rights organiser Foxxee D-Lish was quick to defend the urban fox community.

"All me and me bruvs is aksin is for our hoomin or foxy rites or sumfin," we think he said.

"Anyhow, you ain't pinnin' one desperate act on all da bruvvas. It weren't nuffin to do with me. I was round at me Nan's. Aks 'er. I ain't sayin nuffin.

"Innit."

Somewhat unusually for a nominally serious news organisation, the BBC has been only to happy to fuel what is essentially a low-brow tabloid frenzy.  Some educated people have, however, expressed doubts over whether a ban is practically possible or even necessary.

Professor of Foxes, Professor Jim Fox, told the Mutter: "Given that we live in a country of almost 70 million people and probably hundreds of thousands if not millions of foxes, we've only ever had the smallest handful of incidents such as that which unfortunately took place in Hackney recently.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that you're probably more likely to win the lottery than be attacked by a fox - twice as likely in fact. We should try and be a little less hysterical abou....."

A passer-by, however, heard his comments and began screaming "Even one in a million's still a chance." (It isn't).

"No risk is too small when it comes to children." (Sometimes, it actually is).

"We've got to do everything we can for the children. Kill all the foxes, KILL THEM ALL, KILL!!!" (Do we?).

US-Swiss Deal Exposes Tax-dodging Heroes

DOZENS of American cartoon characters face financial ruin following the Swiss parliament’s approval of a data sharing deal with the United States.

The deal clears the way for Switzerland’s famously secretive UBS bank to transfer data on thousands of its clients to US Federal authorities.

Under the 2009 agreement, UBS will identify 4,450 American clients suspected of dodging taxes, many of them believed to be animated television superstars.

But the deal needed parliamentary approval after Switzerland's supreme court vetoed it in January for breaching Swiss banking secrecy rules. It has since been held up by weeks of procedural wrangling.

Tea time heroes including Yogi Bear, Dick Dastardly and possibly Scooby Doo are all believed to number amongst UBS clients although the Feds’ primary target is understood to be cheeky feline Top Cat.

US authorities say they are ‘doing a Capone’ on Top Cat after decades of trying to evict him and his gang from an unassuming New York alleyway.

Heading the hunt, Tax Investigation Officer Charlie Dibble, said: “I knew I’d get Top Cat one day. That old cat has been cocking a snook at the American people for 48 years but I’ve finally caught him on the hop. Now he’s gonna to have to dig deep down into that purple waistcoat of his or else reach for the soap-on-a-rope.”

Some commentators have expressed concern at what they see as the 'McCarthyite persecution' of Top Cat and point to widespread speculation that Captain America also looks likely to be in the juice for tens of millions but is not being pursued with quite the same enthusiasm.

Others wonder whether TC, even though he’s quite old for a cat, will ever sit still long enough for Officer Dibble to clap him in irons.

The Swiss government, however, welcomed the move, saying "This allows Switzerland to uphold the commitments it has made and by which it remains bound under international law.”

UBS chairman Oswald von Oswald added: “UBS will continue to concentrate on the full range of its obligations stemming from this agreement and I am confident that we will have disclosed the details of all US cartoon characters who have been banking with us by August.”

The United States warned last week that it could still revive potentially damaging litigation against UBS if Switzerland reneged on the agreement.

Last night, none of the Hannah Barbera stable of cartoons were available for comment.

Army Out of York-shire by 2014

WILLIAM Hague has said he would be "very surprised" if UK forces were not out of North Yorkshire by 2014.

But the foreign secretary, himself a York-shire man, insisted there was no timetable for withdrawing troops amid reports of splits among senior Tories about how long they would stay.

He did say,however, that he did not expect UK combat forces to still be there by the time of the next general election in 2015.

The UK has about 12,000 troops stationed at Catterick Garrison but Prime Minister David Cameron has said forces will not remain there for a "day longer" than it takes to ensure the county's leaders can handle its own security. Cameron has suggested they will stay no longer than five years.

However, Defence Secretary Liam Fox said on Wednesday that British troops may be among the last to leave and that "strategic patience" is required.

Mr Hague told The Mutter: "We are committed to York-shire folk being able to conduct their own military operations and security and that takes time. But I would be very surprised if that took longer than 2014.

"Of course, in the next parliament we would hope - anyone would hope - that the British combat troops were coming home. But we've also stressed that's not setting a timetable for what happens over the next few years."

He went on: "We have always said, the chief of the defence staff has said, that Yorkshire should be able to conduct it's own affairs, should be able to stand up for itself without outside help, by 2014.

"So I don't think it's any great surprise or any great mystery about us saying that by 2015 really we should be in the position where York-shire folk, my own folk, will be looking after themselves.

MP: World Cup Exit Like Losing War

ENGLAND may as well have lost a war according to Conservative MP David Amess who seems surprised that once again, his national team has failed to win the World Cup.

Despite the fact that England haven't come anywhere near to winning the tournament for nigh on 50 years, Amess has now called for an inquiry – a dubious accolade normally reserved for proper disasters such as the Iraq War and the Bloody Sunday massacre.

The call comes despite large sections of the British population, in common with most of the world, not even noticing that a busload of badly-behaved millionaires got humped 4-1 by Germany in South Africa at the weekend.

Undeterred, unlike his piss-poor national football team, parliamentarian Amess is still banging on about the sports game days after the event.

He has tabled a motion in the House of Commons which reads: "That this House expresses its great disappointment at England's pathetic exit from the World Cup finals; believes that they let this country and their supporters down; further believes that an urgent inquiry should be held into the state of the national game; and firmly believes that many Premier League players are grossly overpaid and under-perform."

The motion has received cross-party support from, ooh, one other MP, a Liberal..

England's performance, politely described as 'lacklustre', has been praised only by those who have pointed out that it actually looked quite good compared to France's.

Unbelievably, their millionaires went on actual strike after one of them was sent home for doing graffiti in the boys toilets or spitting at a teacher or something.

http://www.davidamess.co.uk/

Ken Clarke Kills Several Birds with One Stone

NEW Tory Justice Secretary Ken Clarke today announced radical proposals to ease Britain's overcrowded prison population.

He has invented a controversial new sport called 'Scum Hunting' which Government sources say could reduce annual prison turnover by as much as 30%.

Although the proposals are at an early stage, Clarke hopes they can be finalised by early Autumn – in time for the season.

“Prison has too often proved a costly and ineffectual approach that fails to turn criminals into law-abiding citizens,” Clarke told reporters this morning.

"My first priority is the safety of the British public but just banging up more and more people for longer without actively seeking to change them is what you would expect of Victorian England.

“My radical new idea should keep everyone happy. All our wonderful hunts will finally have a slightly more PC quarry than a fox, animal rights people will, by definition, have nothing to whinge about and our lucky inmate gets a stab at freedom, 'scuse the pun – and if he does escape, he'll likely not want to repeat the experience and our streets will be safer places for the 21st century. Everyone's a winner!”

In a depressingly familiar fashion, the Justice Secretary's Liberal colleagues have so far kept schtum on the subject.

Human rights campaigner Rita Chakra-Chakra-Chakra, has, however, expressed concern at the prospect of petty criminals being torn limb from limb by packs of bloodthirsty hounds over the British winter.

She said: “I'm concerned at the prospect of petty criminals being torn limb from limb by packs of bloodthirsty hounds over the British winter.”

Brushing these concerns aside, Justice campaigner William de Dalzeymale, a resident of Dorset, the safest and least crime-ridden constituency in the whole country, said: “Human rights are all well and good but look at the facts - the prison population in England and Wales reached a record high in May of 85,201 which is almost double the figure when Mr Clarke was last in charge of prisons in 1992 - an increase he will say he would have dismissed as "impossible and ridiculous" at the time. I would agree. Something has to be done.”

For no apparent reason London Mayor Boris Johnson also chimed in:. “By giving them (prisoners) the right range of sticks and carrots to make sure they don't commit crimes again we can all make London a better place.”

Drunk Oil Broker Fined and Banned

THIS one's true. Hot off the Reuters Press. Some of 'em you can't make up...

1:16pm BST LONDON (Reuters) - The financial regulator has fined and banned a former PVM Oil Futures Ltd. broker for manipulating the price of oil last year by the unauthorised purchase of more than 7 million barrels while drunk.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) said in a statement it had fined Steven Noel Perkins 72,000 pounds and banned him from working in the financial services industry for at least five years for buying huge volumes of Brent crude oil without client authorisation.

"As a direct result of Perkins' trading, the price of Brent increased significantly," the FSA said in a statement.

"Perkins' trading manipulated the market in Brent by giving a false and misleading impression as to the supply, demand and price of Brent and caused the price of Brent to increase to an abnormal and artificial level."

The FSA said that in the early hours of Tuesday June 30 2009, Perkins traded in "extremely high volume" on the ICE August Brent crude oil future contract, accumulating a position equivalent to over 7 million barrels of oil.

Perkins had been drinking extremely heavily over the weekend prior to June 29 and had continued drinking through Monday before executing the trades, the FSA said. Since the incident Perkins has joined a rehabilitation programme for alcoholics and has stopped drinking.

BP Appoints New CEO

EMBATTLED oil giant BP has replaced its Chief Executive with a small yappy dog called George.

George will assume immediate and overall control of the day to day running of BP and will take a 'paws on' approach to the handling of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Markets responded positively to today's news lifting the company share price from 'practically nil' to 'not much'.

US President Barack Obama welcomed the appointment saying: “I hope George has deep pawckets, do ya like what I did, cuz he's gonna need 'em.

"To be frank, a dog is an easier target for me although the last guy made it pretty easy too. I suppose if anything this new guy will be less likely to offend millions of Americans by virtue of not having the power of speech so that's a small relief.

"Also, I guess it's even more acceptable to kick a dog's ass than a Brit's. Can we sue dogs? I'm gonna get one of my guys to check that out."

The new Chief Exec, a 'talented little Yorkie', was appointed unanimously by BP's Board of Directors yesterday amidst a total dearth of willing candidates.

Twelve-year-old George, comes from outside the business but has extensive experience of the energy sector. After two years in the mid-1990s at the Pedigree Petfoods division of confectionery giant Mars, he changed direction and has been leading troubled midcaps through turbulent waters ever since.

BP, however, will present his biggest challenge to date.

It's Chairman, Sir Bob Someoneorother, praised George as: "a terrific leader who has a great track record in bringing transformational change to big businesses, as well as considerable experience of highly-regulated industries and dealing with Global leaders."

Commenting on his own appointment, George added: “Yappy yappy yap yap. Yappy yap. Yap yap yap,” then peed on one of your correspondent's new suede loafers.

America and EU in Merger Shock

BUSINESS leaders and politicians have welcomed news that Europe has agreed a multi-trillion dollar merger with the United States.
The move, announced to the stock exchange Monday morning, is likely to result in the loss of several jobs as cost savings are implemented.

Business leaders say it is a step forward for both federations with political leaders reacting positively, albeit not the French.

European trade Unions have given the news a more cautious welcome but said they had not been made aware that any countries would close as a result of the merger.

It is understood however, they will be told to 'go swivel' at a meeting with their new American bosses later this week.

The head of the Confederation of British Industry, Digby Jones, said the merger was good news for Europe and Britain.

Speaking, as usual, Mr Jones said: "This merger is good news for Europe and Britain.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Whathisface viewed speculation that the new Union's headquarters would be based in London as a vote of confidence in Britain.

He said: "I think people will be relieved that unlike my quotations, this hasn't been a long drawn out protracted negotiation and really, since Europe almost always loses to America, the fact that great landmarks like the White House and the Pentagon are relocating not only to Europe but to Britain, is a great vote of confidence in us by the Yanks. Furthermore, I think this now allows Europe to look to the future with confidence and I think gives welcome relief that blah blah blah blah...”

German leader Angela Merkel, a well-known Yankee lover, chimed in: " Zer is a world of difference between a functioning headquarters and a headquarters in name only, so it is vital that the chief executive moves quickly to demonstrate that the dynamic and strategic leadership and direction of the new Union is being determined by somebody. Anybody.

“I nominate myself.”

Never one to miss an opportunity to offer an unwanted opinion, London Mayor and general prat, Boris Johnson said: "This is good news for London and the UK, and a great boost for our financial sector. Maybe I'll get a go on Air Force One.”

A spokesman for the Working Group on Transatlantic Mergers added that with a total state and country tally of eightyish, losses between Europe and America should easily be covered by natural wastage.

"We will be looking for both Europe and America to demonstrate that this merger will benefit shareholders, customers, communities and workers. Mostly shareholders though.”

British Airways Abandons Aviation.

BRITISH Airways' controversial and conspicuously non-British Chairman, Willie Walsh, today stunned the business world by announcing that the company was 'getting out of the flying game'.

It is understood that Walsh has long been keen for BA to diversify away from it's core airline business and sees the current industrial dispute as the perfect opportunity to force change.

Speaking exclusively to The Mutter, Walsh said: 'Everyone can see that aviation is dead on it's arse even if our trolley dollies can't. Jaysus, they don't call us the flying pension provider for nothing.

'I want to lead the industry in an exciting new direction. What I've got in mind is the gold business. Did you know gold is going for $1100 an ounce. That's feckin mental. We're gonna run tons of adverts on television and stuff to encourage people to send in their old jewellery then we'll melt it down and make little ornaments. You don't need cabin crew for that do ya? It'll be deadly.'

By withdrawing absoloutely all flights forever, it is thought that BA will accrue savings of several billion pounds across the expanse of infinity.

In addition, The Mutter understands that a mooted sale of BA's entire fleet to a paintball operator in Milton Keynes could net shareholders a significant one-off dividend.

Analysts now say BA's restructuring may prompt a sector-wide 'flight from flight' but cabin crew Union officials refused to concede defeat despite holding political views that actually predate the Wright Brothers. 

Union leader, Tony 'Sorry Love, not Tonight' Woodley unsurprisingly attacked the move.

'This just goes to show that that shamrock-eating leprechaun Willie Walsh really has lost the plot. He's bluffin' mate. We've got 'im by the short 'n curlies. Doesn't he know that we run the Second-hand Gold Recycling Workers Union as well? We'll bring the engagement ring industry to it's knees too if we have to. Mark my words. Noone will ever get married ever again if he goes through with this. It'll be the end of civilisation as we know it. We'll never stop, or start, depending on how you look at it...whatever.'

BoE: 'Photocopier Jammed. QE Over.'

BRITAIN'S central bank, The Bank of England, today announced that its policy of printing money to ease the financial crisis, is over.

Quantitative Easing (QE), a favoured policy of financial luminaries like Hitler and Robert Mugabe, involved creating billions and billions of pounds literally out of thin air.
The monetary authority's cunning plan ground to an unexpected halt today however, when it's photocopiers packed in.
Square Mile technical analyst, Alistair McTechnical, was not surprised. 'Something had to give. You can't just print off billions of pounds, cross your fingers and hope for the best. With the best will in the world, you'll never find a photocopier that can take that kind of workload. It was inevitable that it would burn out. I'm only surprised it didn't happen sooner.'
The challenge now facing BoE mandarins is how to pass off the whole exercise as a success to a general public which, frankly, isn't stupid.
Chairman Mervyn McMervyn told The Mutter: 'Listen. It's like my Gran used to say; "You've got to try everything once," and to be honest, we'd tried everything else.
'It is a bit of the pity that the extra £200billion we created went more or less straight into the accounts of the people who got us into this whole mess but at least we can hold our heads up high and say: "We tried".

Team America: 'We Outta Here!'

AMERICA today ordered an immediate recall of all US citizens in a startling about-turn which follows months of international pressure.

Global consumer groups have campaigned relentlessly for such a move citing a range of incidents where late-model Yanks 'simply refused to stop'.

Many welcomed today's announcement but some, including France-based Love2hateLeYanks.fr, said the recall 'Eez too little too late'.

The cheese-eating surrender monkeys have quite justifiably claimed that many regions have already suffered extensive and irreversible damage as a consequence of American haste.

Hitting back, the under-fire hegemonic superpower denied widespread flaws amongst it's citizens stressing that: 'an overwhelming majority of Americans are polite and peaceful and pose no threat to other peoples of the world.'

CEO of America, Barack Obama added that the multi-billion dollar recall was 'merely a precaution'.

Despite the world already being sick to the back teeth of all his hopey-changey crap, he said: 'I regret deeply that a small number of us have pissed off so many.

'I will work tirelessly and ceaselessly until the World likes me and my countrymen just the way they used to. For me, when America's image is damaged, it is as though I am as well. It's time for change.'

L2HA's Chief Yank Hater, Leon 'Napoleon' LeClerc, said: 'Eet eez all well and good getting rid of ze actual Americans but what about America-derived secondary cultural products such as Baywatch or Bon Jovi or Meatloaf. They will never stop. I don't think any amount of damage control is going rid the world of those. The next step is war.'

WEDNESDAY, 24 FEBRUARY 2010

Actually True
GREEK Finance Minister George Papaconstantinou sums up his nations's looming bankruptcy:

"Some people think we're in trouble. We are."

MONDAY, 22 FEBRUARY 2010
Greece 'Going Home in F***ing Ambulance'

THE Greek finance crisis took a bizarre twist today when the near-bankrupt Mediterranean beach resort attempted to borrow all the money in the world using Cheryl Cole as collateral.

Central bankers from Washington to Beijing were left scratching their heads as they attempted to figure out whether or not the sexy Geordie songstress really is worth all the money in the world and whether or not to back the deal.

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, known for his tendency to take stupid gambles with risky assets, has unsurprisingly come out in favour. He said: 'Thosa pesky Greeks have beena betting their shirts ona hot chicks since the days of Troy.

'If they do default whadda do I care. I am already rich and I wouldn'ta minda bit of Cheryl. Ciao.'

In a late twist, Cole's agents, Sexy Singer Reps Ltd, released a statement saying they had not been approached by the Greek government nor asked if Cole was willing to be owned by the whole world should Greece default.

However, Greek Finance Minister Theo Greekalopolis hit back saying: 'It's not really up to Cheryl Cole. What does she know about this stuff? It's all really complicated and to be honest, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

'At the end of the day, the bailiffs could come round and take our whole country away so asking one member of Girls Aloud to sacrifice her life for our national survival is no big deal and we'd be very grateful. Maybe we could give her a free timeshare or we could twin Athens with Newcastle or something.'

Some observers have, however, already voiced concerns that even if Cole does agree to the deal, Newcastle may go apeshit.

North-East Analyst Macca Broon said: 'Why aye man! Cheryl Cole disnae belong tae Greece like. She belongs tae us - default or nae fookin default. If they want her they can come and try but I'll tell ye this: they'll be goin hame in a fooking ambulance.'
A final decision is expected tomorrow morning.

SUNDAY,  21 FEBRUARY 2010

Golfer apologises. Who really cares?

TIGER Woods has apologised for the Holocaust in his first public appearance since lurid revelations that he savagely murdered around five million Jews.

Dozens of networks covered the carefully-staged press conference in which the pro-golfer hugged his mum and said he was very sorry for all the pain he had caused.
Miraculously, planet Earth continued to spin - much has it had done throughout the golfers' recent travails.

Woods' clean-cut image was destroyed following multiple allegations of genocide and a weird domestic incident that has never been properly explained.

Woods at first batted allegations that he almost wiped out the Jews but he was forced into hiding when it emerged that he may also have slaughtered up to 1.5 million Armenians and several hundred thousand Native Americans.

Some sponsors have severed ties with their former golden boy but others have been waiting in the wings while Woods has spent time alone 'having a think'.

Cash-cow Woods reassured them that he wouldn't be in hiding forever – just until it all blew over: 'I will return to golf one day. I just don't know when that will be.'

SATURDAY, 19 FEBRUARY 2010
Brown  'Gave Harman a Wedgie'

GORDON Brown faced a fresh storm of bullying accusations today as a leaked report surfaced alledging that he pushed Alistair Darling's head down the toilet and gave Harriet Harman a wedgie.

Both incidents, it is claimed, took place in the Prime Minister's private quarters after last week's cabinet meeting.

Downing Street aides say the claims have been 'blown out of proportion.'

The confidential document, an incident report by Number 10's Head of Reports, quotes several witnesses, all believed to be cabinet ministers, who say Brown adjourned Monday's meeting around midday but asked the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, to wait behind.

One witness, understood to be Deputy PM Harriet Harman, returned to the cabinet room because she 'forgot her packed lunch.'

Her statement reads: I was on my way out again but could hear a commotion coming from the PM's quarters. I followed the sound and found the PM holding Alistair's head down the toilet pan screaming something like “Give me £177billion.”

'Alistair was clearly highly distressed. He was sobbing and saying he would find the money from his 'savings'.

'Obviously my presence startled the PM and I began remonstrated with him but as I did so he reached down the back of my skirt, grabbed my pants and hoiked them up round my shoulders. The last thing he said to me was: “Tell anyone aboot this and yer deed”.

'The Treasury today issued a statement saying the Chancellor was '100%' behind the PM but it did not confirm or deny the allegations.

Meanwhile, Harriet Harman's office has not yet commented, stoking rumours of a resignation.

Opposition Leader and professional tit David Cameron said: 'This is insane. The entire Labour leadership has gone completely nuts. How do you think our boys out in Afghanistan must feel? There they are, brave men and women risking their lives while back home their leaders are assaulting and robbing each other. It's like the schoolyard. Well, not my schoolyard. Anyway, enough is enough. Vote for me.'

FRIDAY, 18 FEBRUARY 2010

Entire World Realises Gold is Rubbish

WORLD gold prices imploded overnight as humanity realised that the shiny yellow metal is almost completely useless.

As London opened, the word from New York was that everyone on the planet had simultaneously woken up to the fact that there is literally no practical use for gold.

Prices, which have for a long time hovered around the $1,150 oz mark, were fixed in London this morning (10:00GMT) at a much more realistic $5 oz – about the same price as the stuff they make £1 coins from.

One dickhead trader, who did not want to be named, told MFTG: 'I actually shat a kitten when I turned up for work this morning. The smell on the floor was palpable. Everyone is bricking it.

'It's been a long time coming and we could only pull the wool over the human race's eyes for so long but still, I'm not looking forward to phoning clients. I reckon some of  mine have lost hundreds of millions.'

Private losses, though painful, will pale in comparison to those of nation-states, many of whom store their wealth in bullion.

There are already whispers on Wall Street and in Washington DC that the US government may be forced into selling Alaska back to Russia whilst long-running rumours that Switzerland will soon have to give up clothes, look certain to become reality.

Gold 'expert' Dr David S Cummings from the Sussex University of Gold, said: 'I've been researching gold's properties for 30 years and have so far found nothing to report.

'It's good at conducting electricity but then again, most metals are. It's also really soft so not much use for making stuff but it is pretty. That's why we put it on spacesuits. It's certainly not edible.'

Leading bankers and politicians have so far said little about the unfolding crisis in a likely effort to prevent a poor situation becoming dire.

Bank of Money (BoM) Commodites Analyst John Farthing-Askew said: 'I imagine Whitehall and The City are in absoloute overdrive, pouring over their balance sheets and trying to figure out if there's anything else on there which is actually totally worthless.

'I mean bloody hell. If gold isn't worth anything then what have we been doing all this time? What the hell, is money anyway? I sure as hell don't know.'

Riot fears as Islam lifts Pork ban

BILLIONS of the world's religious followers choked on their cornflakes this morning following bombshell revelations that Islam may lift a centuries-old ban on pork.

The radical reform was announced by Islam's voice on Earth Cat Stevens and sparked fears of rioting in the usually-conservative Muslim world. Pork prices tripled overnight.

Speaking through Cat Stevens, Islam said; 'I'm not really sure why I banned pork in the first place. Everyone keeps going on about how great bacon butties and Greggs sausage rolls are so I thought why not? It's not like pigs are really that dirty. they just smell that way because they live in their own poop but chickens do too and they're halal.'

Despite Islam's appeals for calm, fears mounted are growing that the reform, could stoke existing tensions, and spark unrest all over the world.

Dr Hugo Shires of the Defence Analysis Institute said: 'It's impossible to say what the implications of a curveball like this are but I think there are two main regions of concern. Western Europe, especially Germany with it's immigrant Muslim population, could experience a backlash what with the pressures it's love of sausages already puts on pork as a commodity. They might feel like: 'Nein! They' are now shtealing our shausages as vell as our jobs.'
'Secondly, I think China could see problems. Millions of Chinese peasants have largely missed out on most aspects of their country's economic growth except for cheap sausage rolls and they may now find themselves priced out of that market too. It's too early to say. The next few days wil be interesting.'

Hertford-shire sausage seller Dave Nye cautiously welcomed the addition of 1.2billion potential customers but warned: 'We're in for an unpredictable ride if this goes ahead. My bangers are already pretty pricey and if input prices go up too much, it may become more cost-effective for me to start selling Linda McCartney bangers.'