America and EU in Merger Shock

BUSINESS leaders and politicians have welcomed news that Europe has agreed a multi-trillion dollar merger with the United States.
The move, announced to the stock exchange Monday morning, is likely to result in the loss of several jobs as cost savings are implemented.

Business leaders say it is a step forward for both federations with political leaders reacting positively, albeit not the French.

European trade Unions have given the news a more cautious welcome but said they had not been made aware that any countries would close as a result of the merger.

It is understood however, they will be told to 'go swivel' at a meeting with their new American bosses later this week.

The head of the Confederation of British Industry, Digby Jones, said the merger was good news for Europe and Britain.

Speaking, as usual, Mr Jones said: "This merger is good news for Europe and Britain.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Whathisface viewed speculation that the new Union's headquarters would be based in London as a vote of confidence in Britain.

He said: "I think people will be relieved that unlike my quotations, this hasn't been a long drawn out protracted negotiation and really, since Europe almost always loses to America, the fact that great landmarks like the White House and the Pentagon are relocating not only to Europe but to Britain, is a great vote of confidence in us by the Yanks. Furthermore, I think this now allows Europe to look to the future with confidence and I think gives welcome relief that blah blah blah blah...”

German leader Angela Merkel, a well-known Yankee lover, chimed in: " Zer is a world of difference between a functioning headquarters and a headquarters in name only, so it is vital that the chief executive moves quickly to demonstrate that the dynamic and strategic leadership and direction of the new Union is being determined by somebody. Anybody.

“I nominate myself.”

Never one to miss an opportunity to offer an unwanted opinion, London Mayor and general prat, Boris Johnson said: "This is good news for London and the UK, and a great boost for our financial sector. Maybe I'll get a go on Air Force One.”

A spokesman for the Working Group on Transatlantic Mergers added that with a total state and country tally of eightyish, losses between Europe and America should easily be covered by natural wastage.

"We will be looking for both Europe and America to demonstrate that this merger will benefit shareholders, customers, communities and workers. Mostly shareholders though.”