Thursday, 29 July 2010

Osborne Cuts Five Letters From Alphabet

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has stunned the English-speaking world by announcing plans to cut the alphabet.

Speaking on Radio 4's Today programme yesterday, Osborne said that smarty-pant swots should not be allowed to protect the alphabet from swingeing cuts.
Outlining the new treasury proposals he said: "Lsn. W*'r *nly c*tt*ng 25% *nd * *ss*r* u *t'll *ll b v*wls.
"M*st ppl b*l*w th* *g* *f 30 hv *lr**dy g*v*n *p *n vwls s* ny1 wh* cmplns is b*s*c*lly * b*r*ng b*st*rd.
"L**k! I'v strtd *lr**dy and *f *t hlps, y** cn *lw*ys t*ss *n *n *st*risk t* **d *nd*rst*nd*ng."
The rest of the interview was basically uninteligible but from a statement released later by the Treasury, your correspondent was able to cobble together the following: "These are difficult times and we've all got to take our share of the pain.
"Besides, the Welsh haven't had vowels for years and think of all the fun we'll have thinking up new swear words.
"I've got one already. 'Gbbr-fggt'. It's a name for someone who walks down the middle of the pavement really slowly whilst texting on their phone.

"Anyhoo, if I have to toss-up between the NHS block vote and the Hay Literary Festival block vote I know which one I'd choose.
"T**dle Pip!"

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

PM Spotted Busking in Bangalore

DAVID Cameron's trade trip to India was in crisis this morning following lurid reports of a drink-fuelled ministerial busking session down a back alley in Bangalore.
The Prime Minister is leading the biggest British trade delegation to India since we cut them loose back in 1947.
But the delegation is understood to have received short shrift from its hosts who are understood to be a 'a tad peeved' over the Brit's night-time behaviour.
At a hurriedly-convened press conference this morning, British officials denied reports of excessive behaviour but a member of the delegation, who did not want to be named, said: "I definitely saw DC singing on the sidewalk outside the hotel last night.
"He was doing George Formby numbers while Vince Cable pestered passers-by with a tambourine and an up-turned flatcap.
"Their rendition of "Mother, 'What'll I do Now?' was particularly tuneless."
A foreign office spokesman refuted the allegations though, saying: "I refute these allegations," but Indian trade minister Amal McIndian was apoplectic.
"I cannot believe the disrespect. First of all the British delegation were, I believe, drunk when they arrived.
"Then they kept asking if we had any 'vindaloos', whatever they are, before drinking more and hurling derogatory insults at members of the Indian cabinet.
"Then they threw up everywhere and to top it all, they completely murdered George Formby. Unbelievable.
"It's a disgrace for people representing their country to behave like this. Is this how British people behave back home?"
In a further embarassing twist it emerged that trade talks during the day had actually collapsed because Cameron and Cable just kept asking their Indian counterparts about the Goan free love scene and whether or not they knew 60's Sitar icon Ravi Shankar.
As The Mutter went to press, Downing Street declined to comment.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Prince 'thumbing it' to St Andrews

GOLF fanatic Prince Andrew has ditched the royal chopper and is understood to be hitch-hiking to The Open in Scotland.
'Airmiles Andy' has been attacked in the past for taking helicopters on golf jollies and putting the bill on expenses.
Now, however, he is said to be under strict orders from the Queen to cut costs and 'get native'.
The whole clan is under intense pressure to trim it's budget since Chancellor George Osborne froze their expenses in June.
The Queen is also thought to be anxious that family members do not appear to be too extravagant in a time of recession.
Mutter Monkey understands His Royal Highness is taking the slightly longer but much faster M6 route up the West Coast in the hope of making it to St Andrews for the final stages of the world famous week-long golf competition.
Lothian-based trucker Jim 'Dingo' McKerracher took the Prince from Watford Gap services on the M1 to Lymm Services in Cheshire and later spoke to The Mutter:
"Ach fair play tae him like. He wis sound enough"We hud a right old chinwag aboot the Falklands cuz ah wis there wi' the Paras like and a'body kens he wis over there as weel, flyin' choppers.
"I dropped him at Lymm coz it's a good spot for thumbin' and he said he wis gonnae boot it up tae Larkhall then cut o'er the A71 tae the back o' Edinburgh like.
"Ah telt him tae try and get tae Livingston, or theraboots, 'n then do a Shanks's Pony through Broxburn tae Newbridge Services. Ye'll always get a truck tae the Kingdom fae there.
"Ahm aff that way mesel, but I've tae stop for ma nine hours ken?
"I'd pick him up again tho'. Nae probs. He's hardy - humpin' his clubs a the way tae Fife like that."
British Royals are never far from controversy when it comes to helicopters.
They spend upwards of £2 million a year on private choppers and, in 2008, second in line to the throne Prince William took an RAF Chinook to his mate's stag bash on the Isle of Wight.

*Have you seen Airmiles Andy on the road? Given him a lift perhaps? Contact Mutter Monkey at

Monday, 12 July 2010

Mandy: "Brown Ate Actual Kitten"

WEIRD Labour Guru Peter "Mandy" Mandelson, has sensationally revealed that former Prime Minister Gordon Brown ate an actual kitten whilst high on rage drug cannabis.
The lurid claim is published in Mandelson's new memoir entitled The Third Man which is serialised this week in The Times.
In it, Mandelson claims that the kitten incident took place behind the scenes at the 2009 Downing Street Christmas party when Brown's ratings were at an all-time low.
Everyone had been having a lovely time, croons Mandelson in an extract from his book.
Hattie had organised a clown, the Miliband's were playing charades in the corner and Tony had even dropped in with Cherie and was getting tipsy on the punch with Jack Straw.
It was as though the past couple of years had never happened and everyone was really taking the opportunity to relax and let their hair down.
I nipped through the back to add the finishing touches to my famous prawn Vol-au-vents - I hadn't told anyone as I had wanted them to be a surprise - whilst Misty, the new Number 10 kitten, wrapped herself around my feet no doubt drawn by the smell of wild fresh atlantic prawn and homemade thousand island.
Right at that moment I sensed that I was being looked at from behind (yes it still happens - although not usually In No 10), and spun round to see Gordon, brooding and with a face like thunder.
A joint hung lazily from the corner of his mouth and he whispered to me slowly and quietly: "How come I'm the only one in fancy dress Pete?"
I cursed myself. I really had meant to tell him we'd cancelled the Pimps 'n Ho's theme but it must have slipped my mind. Harriet had protested, justifiably so, that the headlines wouldn't look good if it got out that members of the cabinet had thrown a pimps and prostitutes theme party.
I muttered something about Gordon being difficult to get hold of but he just stood there in his hot pants and make-up and stared right through me not seeing the funny side.
"You're trying to make me look like an idiot Pete. I know you are. You've being doing it for years. It's just luck that ah came through the back door."
He couldn't have further from the truth. Sure we'd had our differences but we were all batting for the same team and for better or worse I intended to back him all the way through the coming election.
Gordon was having none of it though and as he glared at me I fought back tears and hoped the distinctive herbal smoke wouldn't cling to my clothes.
I scooped up little Misty, perhaps for comfort or maybe support,  and looked right at him.
"It's not my fault you know. You never check your texts and you're not on Facebook.
"I think that stuff's making you forgetful Gordon. You never seem to get your messages. Perhaps you should..."
But before I could finish the sentence the Prime Minister grabbed Misty from my adoring clutch, took one look at me and another at the kitten then cooly bit her head off.
"It's okay Pete," he said spitting out the severed skull, "I get this message," before slipping out the back door in his fluorescent lycra tights.
My hands were shaking and there were spatters of blood on my shirt but I had to keep this under wraps. If the rest of the cabinet found out about this, someone would definitely leak and it would be Goodnight Vienna for all of us.
Besides, I didn't want to spoil the party before anyone had even tasted my Vol-au-vents.
I straightened my shirt,  picked up the tray, and floated through to the lounge hoping my puffy eyes wouldn't draw as many questions as my puff pastry.
"Well well peeps, I've got good news and bad news."  My cabinet colleagues were already quite drunk.
"The bad news is Gordon isn't coming." An audible chuckle went round the room. "But the good news is my Vol-au-vents are finally ready. Voila."

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

YSL Launches Malaria-inspired Collection

LEGENDARY French fashion house Yves Saint Laurent has launched its new Autumn collection inspired by Geordie dancer Cheryl Cole's brush with deadly Malaria.
Cole, twenty-something, collapsed in a TV studio yesterday following a trip to somewhere dodgy and is now recuperating having given countless news outlets another spurious excuse to publish pictures of her in her underwear.
Eager to cash in, YSL has rushed out a malaria-inspired offering which includes lingerie made from mosquito nets and a show-stopping dress entirely cobbled together  from empty anti-malarial packets.
The controversial catwalk launch in Paris last night featured a lot of men who were so girly they actually looked like women accompanied by decorative African children genuinely inflicted with Malaria.
Leading fashion Commentator Francois de la Zozo heaped praise on the new design.
He gushed: "Zis collection just works on so many levels. It reminds us zat ours isn't just an empty and vacuous world full of dangerously thin coke 'eds but zat it actually reflects ze real world. I mean, just look at those kids zey are really really thin and zey probably don't even want to be. It's beacuse they're real and zat is what fashion eez all about.".
Wearing trackie bottoms and a pair of Nike Air Max's, Lead Designer Jean-Paul Derrier was modest about the praise heaped in his collection.
He said: "I am modest about ze praise heaped on my collction. My team and I, but mainly I, worked all day to adapt our Autumn collection to ze Cheryl Cole Malaria story and eet gives us, but mainly me, great pleasure to highlight ze issue of Newcastle's malaria problem.
"We want to do what we can to help so for every £10,000 dress sold we will buy a malaria net for Newcastle.
"Au revoir."

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Number 10: "Pope Won't Escape Axe"

DOWNING Street has tried to calm controversy over the Papal visit to Britain by promising that the expected £12million bill won't escape swingeing budgetary cuts.
It is thought that Pope Benedict, "Panzer Pope" to his mates, will now arrive by low-cost airline and has even been booked into a nice little B&B at a secret location, thought to be Scotland, to cut costs.
Once in the UK, the Pontiff will tour his various engagements by Megabus and will be catered for in Tesco cafes en-route except for the State Banquet which will come from Lidl.
Fellow Catholic and Prime Ministerial Special Representative for the Papal Visit (honestly), Chris Patten said: "Look, this Government can't be seen to be spending £12 million on a sight-seeing trip for the Pope when we're cancelling school dinners for poor kids and nabbing wheelchairs off of handicaps. What kind of monsters would that make us?
"We simply have to introduce some efficiency to the Pope's visit so that nobody can accuse us of being too flash.
"To that end, we've got His Holiness flying in by Ryanair - no checked baggage, mind you - and we're going to put him up at my Nan's seeing as she's got a very reasonable little B&B by the seaside.
"The bus is costing us SFA and because we're booking so far in advance the whole thing will come to about 47 quid - even less if it wasn't for those arsehole credit card charges at Ryanair."
Former Northern Ireland First Minister and general religious antagonist Rev Ian Paisley inexplicibly waded into the debate by denouncing the revised £47 bill as "over the top".
Vowing to carry on his fight against the papal visit and indeed, anyone else who comes within angry shouting distance, he said:

Monday, 5 July 2010

Apple Launches Invisible iPhone

MASTER of the Universe, Steve Jobs, last night launched a new invisible version of his firm's best-selling iPhone.
The new offering from Apple bristles with features that only really cool, brainy people are able to use and which has been made so slimline that you can't actually see it.
Thousands of really cool, brainy people formed a long queue outside Apple's flagship store on London's Regent Street last night hoping to be first to get their hands on the new gadget.
One lifelong Apple devotee has changed his actual name by deed poll to Apple McApple and stood in line for seven weeks in order to be at the front of the queue.
He said: "I just can't wait to see my invisible iPhone. I met my first one on January 9, 2007 and we've been together ever since. We have our ups and downs and she can be pretty high maintenance but she keeps me on my toes and I wouldn't want it any other way.
"It's like any relationship, you get out what you put in."
Although few iPhone owners change their own names in tribute to their inanimate objects, it is not uncommon for some to start believing that their Apple products are actual people. One absoloutely mental devotee, Raji Shotarow, flew in from Singapore for last night's launch and intends to marry his invisible iPhone in a civil ceremony later today.
Apple's late-night extravaganza was no disappointment and even included surprise new revelations for enamoured fans.
At midnight, Jobs appeared to a captive audience holding apparently nothing aloft. He showed off various snazzy new functions before announcing a wholly compatible clothing line - again, visible only to really cool, brainy people.
The largely positive atmosphere was interrupted only once by a young child who heckled the crowds with cries of: "Are you lot nuts? There's no such thing as an invisible phone. You're mad I tell you, mad!"
The child, believed to have been drunk, was bustled away by security.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Public Sector to 'Lose' 600,000 Jobs

THE newly-established Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) says the British public sector is likely to lose around 600,000 jobs by 2014.
It is understood that Government ministers will probably leave most of the jobs on trains and in the backs of taxis.
Details of the losses will not be made public until the spending review in October but officials are believed to be mulling over a wide range of places where jobs could be accidentally 'lost'.
Other locations under consideration include:

  • The tube

  • Wetherspoon's pubs on Saturday nights

  • Down the back of the couch

  • On the beach in Spain

  • Through the Looking Glass

  • Mordor
The OBR hurriedly released its figures after a leaked document seen by the Guardian newspaper showed the figure to be even higher.
Government sources insist though that the leaked document had been written before the election and that they "were only kidding".
Prime Minister David Cameron blamed it all on Gordon Brown.
He said: “It's all Gordon Brown's fault.
"Like every Labour Government, they left us with unemployment rising but we will, by the end of this Parliament, have unemployment falling. Mark my words.”
We will Dave.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Country Fox Joins Urban Fox Outcry

A HIGH profile country fox has disowned his urban cousins and joined the national furore following last night's BBC Panorama broadcast which featured two toddlers who had been mauled in their own home.
Though practically unheard of, the attack has prompted widespread calls for an outright ban on urban foxes.
Bolstering demands for a random slaughter of his urban relatives, renowned country fox Fantastic Mr Fox, told The Mutter:

"Now, about these so-called 'urban' foxes,
"There really is no such thing,
"They're outlaws and rogues of the very worst sort,
"And ought to be reigned right in.

"They bear neither the humour, nor cunning or wit,
"To take part in the occasional hunt,
"Where chaps like me evade horse and hound,
"Harried on by some well-to-do c**t."

"That's just the merry old rule of the country,
"And the town fox won't play like he ought to
"And quite frankly that just isn't British, my Dear,
"And is why he deserves to be slaughtered."

Urban fox civil rights organiser Foxxee D-Lish was quick to defend the urban fox community.
"All me and me bruvs is aksin is for our hoomin or foxy rites or sumfin," we think he said.
"Anyhow, you ain't pinnin' one desperate act on all da bruvvas. It weren't nuffin to do with me. I was round at me Nan's. Aks 'er. I ain't sayin nuffin.
Somewhat unusually for a nominally serious news organisation, the BBC has been only to happy to fuel what is essentially a low-brow tabloid frenzy.  Some educated people have, however, expressed doubts over whether a ban is practically possible or even necessary.
Professor of Foxes, Professor Jim Fox, told the Mutter: "Given that we live in a country of almost 70 million people and probably hundreds of thousands if not millions of foxes, we've only ever had the smallest handful of incidents such as that which unfortunately took place in Hackney recently.
"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that you're probably more likely to win the lottery than be attacked by a fox - twice as likely in fact. We should try and be a little less hysterical abou....."
A passer-by, however, heard his comments and began screaming "Even one in a million's still a chance." (It isn't).
"No risk is too small when it comes to children." (Sometimes, it actually is).
"We've got to do everything we can for the children. Kill all the foxes, KILL THEM ALL, KILL!!!" (Do we?).

US-Swiss Deal Exposes Tax-dodging Heroes

DOZENS of American cartoon characters face financial ruin following the Swiss parliament’s approval of a data sharing deal with the United States.
The deal clears the way for Switzerland’s famously secretive UBS bank to transfer data on thousands of its clients to US Federal authorities.
Under the 2009 agreement, UBS will identify 4,450 American clients suspected of dodging taxes, many of them believed to be animated television superstars.
But the deal needed parliamentary approval after Switzerland's supreme court vetoed it in January for breaching Swiss banking secrecy rules. It has since been held up by weeks of procedural wrangling.
Tea time heroes including Yogi Bear, Dick Dastardly and possibly Scooby Doo are all believed to number amongst UBS clients although the Feds’ primary target is understood to be cheeky feline Top Cat.
US authorities say they are ‘doing a Capone’ on Top Cat after decades of trying to evict him and his gang from an unassuming New York alleyway.
Heading the hunt, Tax Investigation Officer Charlie Dibble, said: “I knew I’d get Top Cat one day. That old cat has been cocking a snook at the American people for 48 years but I’ve finally caught him on the hop. Now he’s gonna to have to dig deep down into that purple waistcoat of his or else reach for the soap-on-a-rope.”
Some commentators have expressed concern at what they see as the 'McCarthyite persecution' of Top Cat and point to widespread speculation that Captain America also looks likely to be in the juice for tens of millions but is not being pursued with quite the same enthusiasm.
Others wonder whether TC, even though he’s quite old for a cat, will ever sit still long enough for Officer Dibble to clap him in irons.
The Swiss government, however, welcomed the move, saying "This allows Switzerland to uphold the commitments it has made and by which it remains bound under international law.”
UBS chairman Oswald von Oswald added: “UBS will continue to concentrate on the full range of its obligations stemming from this agreement and I am confident that we will have disclosed the details of all US cartoon characters who have been banking with us by August.”
The United States warned last week that it could still revive potentially damaging litigation against UBS if Switzerland reneged on the agreement.
Last night, none of the Hannah Barbera stable of cartoons were available for comment.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Army Out of York-shire by 2014

WILLIAM Hague has said he would be "very surprised" if UK forces were not out of North Yorkshire by 2014.
But the foreign secretary, himself a York-shire man, insisted there was no timetable for withdrawing troops amid reports of splits among senior Tories about how long they would stay.
He did say,however, that he did not expect UK combat forces to still be there by the time of the next general election in 2015.
The UK has about 12,000 troops stationed at Catterick Garrison but Prime Minister David Cameron has said forces will not remain there for a "day longer" than it takes to ensure the county's leaders can handle its own security. Cameron has suggested they will stay no longer than five years.
However, Defence Secretary Liam Fox said on Wednesday that British troops may be among the last to leave and that "strategic patience" is required.
Mr Hague told The Mutter: "We are committed to York-shire folk being able to conduct their own military operations and security and that takes time. But I would be very surprised if that took longer than 2014.
"Of course, in the next parliament we would hope - anyone would hope - that the British combat troops were coming home. But we've also stressed that's not setting a timetable for what happens over the next few years."
He went on: "We have always said, the chief of the defence staff has said, that Yorkshire should be able to conduct it's own affairs, should be able to stand up for itself without outside help, by 2014.
"So I don't think it's any great surprise or any great mystery about us saying that by 2015 really we should be in the position where York-shire folk, my own folk, will be looking after themselves.

MP: World Cup Exit Like Losing War

ENGLAND may as well have lost a war according to Conservative MP David Amess who seems surprised that once again, his national team has failed to win the World Cup.
Despite the fact that England haven't come anywhere near to winning the tournament for nigh on 50 years, Amess has now called for an inquiry – a dubious accolade normally reserved for proper disasters such as the Iraq War and the Bloody Sunday massacre.
The call comes despite large sections of the British population, in common with most of the world, not even noticing that a busload of badly-behaved millionaires got humped 4-1 by Germany in South Africa at the weekend.
Undeterred, unlike his piss-poor national football team, parliamentarian Amess is still banging on about the sports game days after the event.
He has tabled a motion in the House of Commons which reads: "That this House expresses its great disappointment at England's pathetic exit from the World Cup finals; believes that they let this country and their supporters down; further believes that an urgent inquiry should be held into the state of the national game; and firmly believes that many Premier League players are grossly overpaid and under-perform."
The motion has received cross-party support from, ooh, one other MP, a Liberal..
England's performance, politely described as 'lacklustre', has been praised only by those who have pointed out that it actually looked quite good compared to France's.
Unbelievably, their millionaires went on actual strike after one of them was sent home for doing graffiti in the boys toilets or spitting at a teacher or something.