Ken Clarke Kills Several Birds with One Stone

NEW Tory Justice Secretary Ken Clarke today announced radical proposals to ease Britain's overcrowded prison population.

He has invented a controversial new sport called 'Scum Hunting' which Government sources say could reduce annual prison turnover by as much as 30%.

Although the proposals are at an early stage, Clarke hopes they can be finalised by early Autumn – in time for the season.

“Prison has too often proved a costly and ineffectual approach that fails to turn criminals into law-abiding citizens,” Clarke told reporters this morning.

"My first priority is the safety of the British public but just banging up more and more people for longer without actively seeking to change them is what you would expect of Victorian England.

“My radical new idea should keep everyone happy. All our wonderful hunts will finally have a slightly more PC quarry than a fox, animal rights people will, by definition, have nothing to whinge about and our lucky inmate gets a stab at freedom, 'scuse the pun – and if he does escape, he'll likely not want to repeat the experience and our streets will be safer places for the 21st century. Everyone's a winner!”

In a depressingly familiar fashion, the Justice Secretary's Liberal colleagues have so far kept schtum on the subject.

Human rights campaigner Rita Chakra-Chakra-Chakra, has, however, expressed concern at the prospect of petty criminals being torn limb from limb by packs of bloodthirsty hounds over the British winter.

She said: “I'm concerned at the prospect of petty criminals being torn limb from limb by packs of bloodthirsty hounds over the British winter.”

Brushing these concerns aside, Justice campaigner William de Dalzeymale, a resident of Dorset, the safest and least crime-ridden constituency in the whole country, said: “Human rights are all well and good but look at the facts - the prison population in England and Wales reached a record high in May of 85,201 which is almost double the figure when Mr Clarke was last in charge of prisons in 1992 - an increase he will say he would have dismissed as "impossible and ridiculous" at the time. I would agree. Something has to be done.”

For no apparent reason London Mayor Boris Johnson also chimed in:. “By giving them (prisoners) the right range of sticks and carrots to make sure they don't commit crimes again we can all make London a better place.”

Drunk Oil Broker Fined and Banned

THIS one's true. Hot off the Reuters Press. Some of 'em you can't make up...

1:16pm BST LONDON (Reuters) - The financial regulator has fined and banned a former PVM Oil Futures Ltd. broker for manipulating the price of oil last year by the unauthorised purchase of more than 7 million barrels while drunk.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA) said in a statement it had fined Steven Noel Perkins 72,000 pounds and banned him from working in the financial services industry for at least five years for buying huge volumes of Brent crude oil without client authorisation.

"As a direct result of Perkins' trading, the price of Brent increased significantly," the FSA said in a statement.

"Perkins' trading manipulated the market in Brent by giving a false and misleading impression as to the supply, demand and price of Brent and caused the price of Brent to increase to an abnormal and artificial level."

The FSA said that in the early hours of Tuesday June 30 2009, Perkins traded in "extremely high volume" on the ICE August Brent crude oil future contract, accumulating a position equivalent to over 7 million barrels of oil.

Perkins had been drinking extremely heavily over the weekend prior to June 29 and had continued drinking through Monday before executing the trades, the FSA said. Since the incident Perkins has joined a rehabilitation programme for alcoholics and has stopped drinking.

BP Appoints New CEO

EMBATTLED oil giant BP has replaced its Chief Executive with a small yappy dog called George.

George will assume immediate and overall control of the day to day running of BP and will take a 'paws on' approach to the handling of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Markets responded positively to today's news lifting the company share price from 'practically nil' to 'not much'.

US President Barack Obama welcomed the appointment saying: “I hope George has deep pawckets, do ya like what I did, cuz he's gonna need 'em.

"To be frank, a dog is an easier target for me although the last guy made it pretty easy too. I suppose if anything this new guy will be less likely to offend millions of Americans by virtue of not having the power of speech so that's a small relief.

"Also, I guess it's even more acceptable to kick a dog's ass than a Brit's. Can we sue dogs? I'm gonna get one of my guys to check that out."

The new Chief Exec, a 'talented little Yorkie', was appointed unanimously by BP's Board of Directors yesterday amidst a total dearth of willing candidates.

Twelve-year-old George, comes from outside the business but has extensive experience of the energy sector. After two years in the mid-1990s at the Pedigree Petfoods division of confectionery giant Mars, he changed direction and has been leading troubled midcaps through turbulent waters ever since.

BP, however, will present his biggest challenge to date.

It's Chairman, Sir Bob Someoneorother, praised George as: "a terrific leader who has a great track record in bringing transformational change to big businesses, as well as considerable experience of highly-regulated industries and dealing with Global leaders."

Commenting on his own appointment, George added: “Yappy yappy yap yap. Yappy yap. Yap yap yap,” then peed on one of your correspondent's new suede loafers.

America and EU in Merger Shock

BUSINESS leaders and politicians have welcomed news that Europe has agreed a multi-trillion dollar merger with the United States.
The move, announced to the stock exchange Monday morning, is likely to result in the loss of several jobs as cost savings are implemented.

Business leaders say it is a step forward for both federations with political leaders reacting positively, albeit not the French.

European trade Unions have given the news a more cautious welcome but said they had not been made aware that any countries would close as a result of the merger.

It is understood however, they will be told to 'go swivel' at a meeting with their new American bosses later this week.

The head of the Confederation of British Industry, Digby Jones, said the merger was good news for Europe and Britain.

Speaking, as usual, Mr Jones said: "This merger is good news for Europe and Britain.

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Whathisface viewed speculation that the new Union's headquarters would be based in London as a vote of confidence in Britain.

He said: "I think people will be relieved that unlike my quotations, this hasn't been a long drawn out protracted negotiation and really, since Europe almost always loses to America, the fact that great landmarks like the White House and the Pentagon are relocating not only to Europe but to Britain, is a great vote of confidence in us by the Yanks. Furthermore, I think this now allows Europe to look to the future with confidence and I think gives welcome relief that blah blah blah blah...”

German leader Angela Merkel, a well-known Yankee lover, chimed in: " Zer is a world of difference between a functioning headquarters and a headquarters in name only, so it is vital that the chief executive moves quickly to demonstrate that the dynamic and strategic leadership and direction of the new Union is being determined by somebody. Anybody.

“I nominate myself.”

Never one to miss an opportunity to offer an unwanted opinion, London Mayor and general prat, Boris Johnson said: "This is good news for London and the UK, and a great boost for our financial sector. Maybe I'll get a go on Air Force One.”

A spokesman for the Working Group on Transatlantic Mergers added that with a total state and country tally of eightyish, losses between Europe and America should easily be covered by natural wastage.

"We will be looking for both Europe and America to demonstrate that this merger will benefit shareholders, customers, communities and workers. Mostly shareholders though.”