Thursday, 29 July 2010

Osborne Cuts Five Letters From Alphabet

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has stunned the English-speaking world by announcing plans to cut the alphabet.

Speaking on Radio 4's Today programme yesterday, Osborne said that smarty-pant swots should not be allowed to protect the alphabet from swingeing cuts.
Outlining the new treasury proposals he said: "Lsn. W*'r *nly c*tt*ng 25% *nd * *ss*r* u *t'll *ll b v*wls.
"M*st ppl b*l*w th* *g* *f 30 hv *lr**dy g*v*n *p *n vwls s* ny1 wh* cmplns is b*s*c*lly * b*r*ng b*st*rd.
"L**k! I'v strtd *lr**dy and *f *t hlps, y** cn *lw*ys t*ss *n *n *st*risk t* **d *nd*rst*nd*ng."
The rest of the interview was basically uninteligible but from a statement released later by the Treasury, your correspondent was able to cobble together the following: "These are difficult times and we've all got to take our share of the pain.
"Besides, the Welsh haven't had vowels for years and think of all the fun we'll have thinking up new swear words.
"I've got one already. 'Gbbr-fggt'. It's a name for someone who walks down the middle of the pavement really slowly whilst texting on their phone.

"Anyhoo, if I have to toss-up between the NHS block vote and the Hay Literary Festival block vote I know which one I'd choose.
"T**dle Pip!"

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

PM Spotted Busking in Bangalore

DAVID Cameron's trade trip to India was in crisis this morning following lurid reports of a drink-fuelled ministerial busking session down a back alley in Bangalore.
The Prime Minister is leading the biggest British trade delegation to India since we cut them loose back in 1947.
But the delegation is understood to have received short shrift from its hosts who are understood to be a 'a tad peeved' over the Brit's night-time behaviour.
At a hurriedly-convened press conference this morning, British officials denied reports of excessive behaviour but a member of the delegation, who did not want to be named, said: "I definitely saw DC singing on the sidewalk outside the hotel last night.
"He was doing George Formby numbers while Vince Cable pestered passers-by with a tambourine and an up-turned flatcap.
"Their rendition of "Mother, 'What'll I do Now?' was particularly tuneless."
A foreign office spokesman refuted the allegations though, saying: "I refute these allegations," but Indian trade minister Amal McIndian was apoplectic.
"I cannot believe the disrespect. First of all the British delegation were, I believe, drunk when they arrived.
"Then they kept asking if we had any 'vindaloos', whatever they are, before drinking more and hurling derogatory insults at members of the Indian cabinet.
"Then they threw up everywhere and to top it all, they completely murdered George Formby. Unbelievable.
"It's a disgrace for people representing their country to behave like this. Is this how British people behave back home?"
In a further embarassing twist it emerged that trade talks during the day had actually collapsed because Cameron and Cable just kept asking their Indian counterparts about the Goan free love scene and whether or not they knew 60's Sitar icon Ravi Shankar.
As The Mutter went to press, Downing Street declined to comment.

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Prince 'thumbing it' to St Andrews

GOLF fanatic Prince Andrew has ditched the royal chopper and is understood to be hitch-hiking to The Open in Scotland.
'Airmiles Andy' has been attacked in the past for taking helicopters on golf jollies and putting the bill on expenses.
Now, however, he is said to be under strict orders from the Queen to cut costs and 'get native'.
The whole clan is under intense pressure to trim it's budget since Chancellor George Osborne froze their expenses in June.
The Queen is also thought to be anxious that family members do not appear to be too extravagant in a time of recession.
Mutter Monkey understands His Royal Highness is taking the slightly longer but much faster M6 route up the West Coast in the hope of making it to St Andrews for the final stages of the world famous week-long golf competition.
Lothian-based trucker Jim 'Dingo' McKerracher took the Prince from Watford Gap services on the M1 to Lymm Services in Cheshire and later spoke to The Mutter:
"Ach fair play tae him like. He wis sound enough"We hud a right old chinwag aboot the Falklands cuz ah wis there wi' the Paras like and a'body kens he wis over there as weel, flyin' choppers.
"I dropped him at Lymm coz it's a good spot for thumbin' and he said he wis gonnae boot it up tae Larkhall then cut o'er the A71 tae the back o' Edinburgh like.
"Ah telt him tae try and get tae Livingston, or theraboots, 'n then do a Shanks's Pony through Broxburn tae Newbridge Services. Ye'll always get a truck tae the Kingdom fae there.
"Ahm aff that way mesel, but I've tae stop for ma nine hours ken?
"I'd pick him up again tho'. Nae probs. He's hardy - humpin' his clubs a the way tae Fife like that."
British Royals are never far from controversy when it comes to helicopters.
They spend upwards of £2 million a year on private choppers and, in 2008, second in line to the throne Prince William took an RAF Chinook to his mate's stag bash on the Isle of Wight.

*Have you seen Airmiles Andy on the road? Given him a lift perhaps? Contact Mutter Monkey at

Monday, 12 July 2010

Mandy: "Brown Ate Actual Kitten"

WEIRD Labour Guru Peter "Mandy" Mandelson, has sensationally revealed that former Prime Minister Gordon Brown ate an actual kitten whilst high on rage drug cannabis.
The lurid claim is published in Mandelson's new memoir entitled The Third Man which is serialised this week in The Times.
In it, Mandelson claims that the kitten incident took place behind the scenes at the 2009 Downing Street Christmas party when Brown's ratings were at an all-time low.
Everyone had been having a lovely time, croons Mandelson in an extract from his book.
Hattie had organised a clown, the Miliband's were playing charades in the corner and Tony had even dropped in with Cherie and was getting tipsy on the punch with Jack Straw.
It was as though the past couple of years had never happened and everyone was really taking the opportunity to relax and let their hair down.
I nipped through the back to add the finishing touches to my famous prawn Vol-au-vents - I hadn't told anyone as I had wanted them to be a surprise - whilst Misty, the new Number 10 kitten, wrapped herself around my feet no doubt drawn by the smell of wild fresh atlantic prawn and homemade thousand island.
Right at that moment I sensed that I was being looked at from behind (yes it still happens - although not usually In No 10), and spun round to see Gordon, brooding and with a face like thunder.
A joint hung lazily from the corner of his mouth and he whispered to me slowly and quietly: "How come I'm the only one in fancy dress Pete?"
I cursed myself. I really had meant to tell him we'd cancelled the Pimps 'n Ho's theme but it must have slipped my mind. Harriet had protested, justifiably so, that the headlines wouldn't look good if it got out that members of the cabinet had thrown a pimps and prostitutes theme party.
I muttered something about Gordon being difficult to get hold of but he just stood there in his hot pants and make-up and stared right through me not seeing the funny side.
"You're trying to make me look like an idiot Pete. I know you are. You've being doing it for years. It's just luck that ah came through the back door."
He couldn't have further from the truth. Sure we'd had our differences but we were all batting for the same team and for better or worse I intended to back him all the way through the coming election.
Gordon was having none of it though and as he glared at me I fought back tears and hoped the distinctive herbal smoke wouldn't cling to my clothes.
I scooped up little Misty, perhaps for comfort or maybe support,  and looked right at him.
"It's not my fault you know. You never check your texts and you're not on Facebook.
"I think that stuff's making you forgetful Gordon. You never seem to get your messages. Perhaps you should..."
But before I could finish the sentence the Prime Minister grabbed Misty from my adoring clutch, took one look at me and another at the kitten then cooly bit her head off.
"It's okay Pete," he said spitting out the severed skull, "I get this message," before slipping out the back door in his fluorescent lycra tights.
My hands were shaking and there were spatters of blood on my shirt but I had to keep this under wraps. If the rest of the cabinet found out about this, someone would definitely leak and it would be Goodnight Vienna for all of us.
Besides, I didn't want to spoil the party before anyone had even tasted my Vol-au-vents.
I straightened my shirt,  picked up the tray, and floated through to the lounge hoping my puffy eyes wouldn't draw as many questions as my puff pastry.
"Well well peeps, I've got good news and bad news."  My cabinet colleagues were already quite drunk.
"The bad news is Gordon isn't coming." An audible chuckle went round the room. "But the good news is my Vol-au-vents are finally ready. Voila."

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

YSL Launches Malaria-inspired Collection

LEGENDARY French fashion house Yves Saint Laurent has launched its new Autumn collection inspired by Geordie dancer Cheryl Cole's brush with deadly Malaria.
Cole, twenty-something, collapsed in a TV studio yesterday following a trip to somewhere dodgy and is now recuperating having given countless news outlets another spurious excuse to publish pictures of her in her underwear.
Eager to cash in, YSL has rushed out a malaria-inspired offering which includes lingerie made from mosquito nets and a show-stopping dress entirely cobbled together  from empty anti-malarial packets.
The controversial catwalk launch in Paris last night featured a lot of men who were so girly they actually looked like women accompanied by decorative African children genuinely inflicted with Malaria.
Leading fashion Commentator Francois de la Zozo heaped praise on the new design.
He gushed: "Zis collection just works on so many levels. It reminds us zat ours isn't just an empty and vacuous world full of dangerously thin coke 'eds but zat it actually reflects ze real world. I mean, just look at those kids zey are really really thin and zey probably don't even want to be. It's beacuse they're real and zat is what fashion eez all about.".
Wearing trackie bottoms and a pair of Nike Air Max's, Lead Designer Jean-Paul Derrier was modest about the praise heaped in his collection.
He said: "I am modest about ze praise heaped on my collction. My team and I, but mainly I, worked all day to adapt our Autumn collection to ze Cheryl Cole Malaria story and eet gives us, but mainly me, great pleasure to highlight ze issue of Newcastle's malaria problem.
"We want to do what we can to help so for every £10,000 dress sold we will buy a malaria net for Newcastle.
"Au revoir."

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Number 10: "Pope Won't Escape Axe"

DOWNING Street has tried to calm controversy over the Papal visit to Britain by promising that the expected £12million bill won't escape swingeing budgetary cuts.
It is thought that Pope Benedict, "Panzer Pope" to his mates, will now arrive by low-cost airline and has even been booked into a nice little B&B at a secret location, thought to be Scotland, to cut costs.
Once in the UK, the Pontiff will tour his various engagements by Megabus and will be catered for in Tesco cafes en-route except for the State Banquet which will come from Lidl.
Fellow Catholic and Prime Ministerial Special Representative for the Papal Visit (honestly), Chris Patten said: "Look, this Government can't be seen to be spending £12 million on a sight-seeing trip for the Pope when we're cancelling school dinners for poor kids and nabbing wheelchairs off of handicaps. What kind of monsters would that make us?
"We simply have to introduce some efficiency to the Pope's visit so that nobody can accuse us of being too flash.
"To that end, we've got His Holiness flying in by Ryanair - no checked baggage, mind you - and we're going to put him up at my Nan's seeing as she's got a very reasonable little B&B by the seaside.
"The bus is costing us SFA and because we're booking so far in advance the whole thing will come to about 47 quid - even less if it wasn't for those arsehole credit card charges at Ryanair."
Former Northern Ireland First Minister and general religious antagonist Rev Ian Paisley inexplicibly waded into the debate by denouncing the revised £47 bill as "over the top".
Vowing to carry on his fight against the papal visit and indeed, anyone else who comes within angry shouting distance, he said:

Monday, 5 July 2010

Apple Launches Invisible iPhone

MASTER of the Universe, Steve Jobs, last night launched a new invisible version of his firm's best-selling iPhone.
The new offering from Apple bristles with features that only really cool, brainy people are able to use and which has been made so slimline that you can't actually see it.
Thousands of really cool, brainy people formed a long queue outside Apple's flagship store on London's Regent Street last night hoping to be first to get their hands on the new gadget.
One lifelong Apple devotee has changed his actual name by deed poll to Apple McApple and stood in line for seven weeks in order to be at the front of the queue.
He said: "I just can't wait to see my invisible iPhone. I met my first one on January 9, 2007 and we've been together ever since. We have our ups and downs and she can be pretty high maintenance but she keeps me on my toes and I wouldn't want it any other way.
"It's like any relationship, you get out what you put in."
Although few iPhone owners change their own names in tribute to their inanimate objects, it is not uncommon for some to start believing that their Apple products are actual people. One absoloutely mental devotee, Raji Shotarow, flew in from Singapore for last night's launch and intends to marry his invisible iPhone in a civil ceremony later today.
Apple's late-night extravaganza was no disappointment and even included surprise new revelations for enamoured fans.
At midnight, Jobs appeared to a captive audience holding apparently nothing aloft. He showed off various snazzy new functions before announcing a wholly compatible clothing line - again, visible only to really cool, brainy people.
The largely positive atmosphere was interrupted only once by a young child who heckled the crowds with cries of: "Are you lot nuts? There's no such thing as an invisible phone. You're mad I tell you, mad!"
The child, believed to have been drunk, was bustled away by security.