A lonely crank takes satirical pot shots at the movers and the markets - from a long range and with a short gun. Little of the following is true or accurate...
...also available at www.thespoof.com
Friday, 2 July 2010
Country Fox Joins Urban Fox Outcry
A HIGH profile country fox has disowned his urban cousins and joined the national furore following last night's BBC Panorama broadcast which featured two toddlers who had been mauled in their own home.
Though practically unheard of, the attack has prompted widespread calls for an outright ban on urban foxes.
Bolstering demands for a random slaughter of his urban relatives, renowned country fox Fantastic Mr Fox, told The Mutter:
"Now, about these so-called 'urban' foxes,
"There really is no such thing,
"They're outlaws and rogues of the very worst sort,
"And ought to be reigned right in.
"They bear neither the humour, nor cunning or wit,
"To take part in the occasional hunt,
"Where chaps like me evade horse and hound,
"Harried on by some well-to-do c**t."
"That's just the merry old rule of the country,
"And the town fox won't play like he ought to
"And quite frankly that just isn't British, my Dear,
"And is why he deserves to be slaughtered."
Urban fox civil rights organiser Foxxee D-Lish was quick to defend the urban fox community.
"All me and me bruvs is aksin is for our hoomin or foxy rites or sumfin," we think he said.
"Anyhow, you ain't pinnin' one desperate act on all da bruvvas. It weren't nuffin to do with me. I was round at me Nan's. Aks 'er. I ain't sayin nuffin.
Somewhat unusually for a nominally serious news organisation, the BBC has been only to happy to fuel what is essentially a low-brow tabloid frenzy. Some educated people have, however, expressed doubts over whether a ban is practically possible or even necessary.
Professor of Foxes, Professor Jim Fox, told the Mutter: "Given that we live in a country of almost 70 million people and probably hundreds of thousands if not millions of foxes, we've only ever had the smallest handful of incidents such as that which unfortunately took place in Hackney recently.
"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that you're probably more likely to win the lottery than be attacked by a fox - twice as likely in fact. We should try and be a little less hysterical abou....."
A passer-by, however, heard his comments and began screaming "Even one in a million's still a chance." (It isn't).
"No risk is too small when it comes to children." (Sometimes, it actually is).
"We've got to do everything we can for the children. Kill all the foxes, KILL THEM ALL, KILL!!!" (Do we?).