Monday, 29 March 2010

British Airways Abandons Aviation.

BRITISH Airways' controversial and conspicuously non-British Chairman, Willie Walsh, today stunned the business world by announcing that the company was 'getting out of the flying game'.
It is understood that Walsh has long been keen for BA to diversify away from it's core airline business and sees the current industrial dispute as the perfect opportunity to force change.
Speaking exclusively to The Mutter, Walsh said: 'Everyone can see that aviation is dead on it's arse even if our trolley dollies can't. Jaysus, they don't call us the flying pension provider for nothing.
'I want to lead the industry in an exciting new direction. What I've got in mind is the gold business. Did you know gold is going for $1100 an ounce. That's feckin mental. We're gonna run tons of adverts on television and stuff to encourage people to send in their old jewellery then we'll melt it down and make little ornaments. You don't need cabin crew for that do ya? It'll be deadly.'
By withdrawing absoloutely all flights forever, it is thought that BA will accrue savings of several billion pounds across the expanse of infinity.
In addition, The Mutter understands that a mooted sale of BA's entire fleet to a paintball operator in Milton Keynes could net shareholders a significant one-off dividend.
Analysts now say BA's restructuring may prompt a sector-wide 'flight from flight' but cabin crew Union officials refused to concede defeat despite holding political views that actually predate the Wright Brothers. 
Union leader, Tony 'Sorry Love, not Tonight' Woodley unsurprisingly attacked the move.
'This just goes to show that that shamrock-eating leprechaun Willie Walsh really has lost the plot. He's bluffin' mate. We've got 'im by the short 'n curlies. Doesn't he know that we run the Second-hand Gold Recycling Workers Union as well? We'll bring the engagement ring industry to it's knees too if we have to. Mark my words. Noone will ever get married ever again if he goes through with this. It'll be the end of civilisation as we know it. We'll never stop, or start, depending on how you look at it...whatever.'

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