Osborne Cuts Five Letters From Alphabet

CHANCELLOR George Osborne has stunned the English-speaking world by announcing plans to cut the alphabet.

Speaking on Radio 4's Today programme yesterday, Osborne said that smarty-pant swots should not be allowed to protect the alphabet from swingeing cuts.
Outlining the new treasury proposals he said: "Lsn. W*'r *nly c*tt*ng 25% *nd * *ss*r* u *t'll *ll b v*wls.
"M*st ppl b*l*w th* *g* *f 30 hv *lr**dy g*v*n *p *n vwls s* ny1 wh* cmplns is b*s*c*lly * b*r*ng b*st*rd.
"L**k! I'v strtd *lr**dy and *f *t hlps, y** cn *lw*ys t*ss *n *n *st*risk t* **d *nd*rst*nd*ng."
The rest of the interview was basically uninteligible but from a statement released later by the Treasury, your correspondent was able to cobble together the following: "These are difficult times and we've all got to take our share of the pain.
"Besides, the Welsh haven't had vowels for years and think of all the fun we'll have thinking up new swear words.
"I've got one already. 'Gbbr-fggt'. It's a name for someone who walks down the middle of the pavement really slowly whilst texting on their phone.

"Anyhoo, if I have to toss-up between the NHS block vote and the Hay Literary Festival block vote I know which one I'd choose.
"T**dle Pip!"